How long will it be before reading material is banned on the tube?
We've all been in the position before: the tube is packed like a can of sardines during rush hour and yet still your fellow commuters insist on reading their newspapers and books, jabbing you in the back and making the experience all the more unbearable.
Usually in this scenario there are a few sighs or frowns of annoyance but, being British, nobody says anything and the atmosphere gets tenser and tenser until - phew! - the doors open at Green Park and half the carriage empties, allowing you to breathe and relax once again.
This very scene is repeated most days on most lines throughout the year - but the other morning someone in my carriage dared to take a stand - with devastating results. Here is a rough transcript of what happened:
Disgruntled Man #1 [loudly so everyone can hear]: "Imagine how many more people you could fit on the tube if no one read the papers. It's not a library. It's a means of public transport."
Slightly rosy Man #2, wearing a flat cap and trying to read a copy of the Financial Times, looks up briefly but doesn't reply to Man #1, bent double in the corner of the carriage.
Increasingly disgruntled Man #1: "Yes, I'm talking to you. Are you comfortable there reading your paper? Because I'm not. I have no room and you're not making it any easier."
Man #2 [in a slight Germanic accent]: "I am doing nothing wrong. It's a democracy."
Man #1 [fuming]: "But it's not a library - it's public transport."
Man #3 [coming to the defence of man #2]: "Yes, exactly - it's public so you have to accommodate other people. There are no rules saying you can't read."
Man #1 [as if in possession of top-secret documents]: "There will be soon - believe me. Reading on the tube is going to be banned."
Onlooker #1 [reading a big hardback copy of Robert Harris' Lustrum but keeping well out of the way] doesn't say anything but thinks: "Well, he's right, it's not a library, but that man can hardly talk - he's carrying a huge bag which takes up just as much space, if not more, than a paper. So there. And he just checked his Blackberry, which is essentially a small paper, so there. The hypocrite."
The tube arrives at Green Park and half the carriage exits, including Man #2 [either because it's his stop or - feasibly - he wants to flee the outspoken curmudgeon before things get out of hand].
Man #1 and Man #3 are now standing next to each other. Man #1 [perhaps now feeling a little embarrassed about his outburst]: "I wasn't having a pop at you, you know. It's just it really gets me when people read papers when there's obviously not enough room for people to go about their commute. I don't mind reading when it's not busy - in fact, I often do it - but when it's rammed like this, it's just silly isn't it?"
Man #3 [perhaps now feeling a little embarrassed about having stood up for Man #2]: "Don't worry - I see your point." [Silence] "See the football last night?"
Man #1: "No, what happened?"
Man #3 [Offering his Metro]: "Here, have a look."
Onlooker #1 exits, overcoming the temptation to put his phone to his ear and shout: "Hello!? No… I'm in the library!" - FIN -
It was indubitably a rather comic scene - and we've all been present when someone just flips every now and then. While Man #1's hellbent conviction that reading will soon be outlawed on the underground seemed a bit far-fetched, he certainly had a point. It can be excruciating when you're trying to cram onto a carriage and people are hogging extra space with their Evening Standards.
Personally, I'm all in favour of people reading a good book but I think it wouldn't be such a bad thing if newspapers were banned (it would certainly make it easier for the cleaners). IPods too should be shown the door - then people would be forced to interact and - dare I say it - talk.
For what stood out about the whole story above wasn't the anger experienced by the parties involved - but instead the fact that someone had the nerve to talk about it in public. How terribly un-British - but how invigorating.
Once a Blue, always a Blue
It was a triumphant return to SW6 for former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho when his current side Internazionale knocked the Blues out of the Champions League this month with a 3-1 aggregate score. Much of the focus was, inevitable, on the outspoken Portuguese in the build-up to the last-16 clash - and in a pre-match interview with the Gazzetta dello Sport, Mourinho gave an insight to his favourite places in London. These include Harrods, a nearby restaurant called San Lorenzo in Beauchamp Place (which apparently serves excellent fish soup) and the Vue cinema on Fulham Broadway - "where I watched many musicals" (really?!). Interestingly, it was after a club screening of a documentary on the Roman Abramovich years at the Vue that Mourinho was given the sack. Look whose smiling now, eh.
Student plugs away to win award
A 29-year-old MA student from Bayswater has won an international design award after creating a folding plug as flat as a laptop. Min-Kyu Choi said the idea came to him after his new ultra-slim laptop was scratched by its bulky three-pin plug. His innovative alternative is designed to fold down to a thickness of just 1cm - and has seen Mr Choi beat designers from all around the world to win the prestigious Brit Insurance Award, organised by the Design Museum. The plug could "make a difference to everyone's life", according to the chairman of the judging panel, artist Antony Gormley. Mr Choi is now a student at London's Royal College of Art but has been tipped to make a fortune on the back of his ingenious idea.
Cabs follow Cadbury
Cadbury's chocolate isn't the only thing to fall into foreign hands after it emerged this month that the maker of the iconic London black cab had fallen into Chinese hands. Zhejiang Geely Holding, the Chinese carmaker, is on the verge of taking a controlling stake in Manganese Bronze, the Coventry-based carmaker behind the capital's famous taxis. "Our future will be both as a manufacturer of black cabs in Coventry, although more of the parts will be coming from China," said Manganese finance director Mark Fryer. A reported 60 people will lose their jobs at the Coventry plant when the deal is finalised.
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