Wednesday 7th January  14:47 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 22nd June 2007 Seasoned smokers take their last gasp It's been many years since I put down my last packet of fags, and rediscovered my senses of smell and taste. I swore at the time that I would never be a sanctimonious quitter. I would not be one of those people who tutted smugly at others' lighting up, nor would I support the gradual pushing of smokers to the fringes of decent society. Thus, even as my smoking friends are looking forward to the ban, as an opportunity to cut down, and maybe even quit, I have been up in arms about the injustice of it. I won’t rehearse the civil liberties argument here (apart from anything else, the anti-smoking lobby tend to get vicious when I do), but I am going to take this opportunity to sughgest that even lapsed smokers should perhaps take next week as the chance to revisit their old habits, and cough up a bit of phlegm in a few of London's filthiest ash-holes. Your First Local Pub Since taste and smell are so integral to memory, a cigarette is the perfect tool for a moment of Proustian nostalgia. Head down to the first London local you ever had. Since this has almost certainly gone extravagantly gastro on you in the last ten years, your only real chance of recalling those heady days of youth - the big plans, the banter, the conversations that didn't revolve around house prices - is by puffing away on a cigarette. Extra points for blowing smoke over the sommelier when he asks you to leave, because actually this place has been non-smoking for two years. A Cigar Bar There are still a couple of these ridiculous gentlemen's affectations kicking around in London, and they will be managing to stay open, due to a loophole in the law that allows the exceptionally wealthy to do what they damn well want (well, officially, the loophole allows smoking in 'specialist tobacco shops'). However, you'll no longer be able to have a drink with your Cuban, and given the dullness of the toffs who inhabit these places, sobriety is really not an option. Suck down a few cocktails and bask in the glow of reflected wealth. At a Festival, in the Rain The site of a mud-soaked Hoxtonite sucking frantically on a glowing cancer stick in a pathetic attempt to warm themselves up from the inside will become a thing of the past next Sunday, as Marquees are to be included in the ban. This hint has probably come too late for most readers – though if you're reading this on your phone at Glastonbury, thank-you. You're clearly my biggest fan. The Shisha Lounge The one genuine tragedy of the smoking ban is the cafes, clustered in Bayswater, but prevalent throughout the capital, which serve mint tea, juices and eye-wateringly sweet cakes to a crowd who are really only there for one thing: smooth, fruit-flavoured tobacco smoked through tall shisha pipes. They're lovely little places (and of course, absolutely invaluable to teetotal Moslems), and even if you don’t fancy the appallingly unhealthy pipes, it's while worth paying one a visit before this unique corner of London life gets fined out of existence. The Office Walk into your office smoking room, which is, I would imagine, being cleared out today, and look at what happens when they take the pictures down. That's right! The walls were white originally, not yellow! Take some photos of that difference, think about your lungs, and maybe that'll rescue you from these farcical fits of smoking nostalgia like the one I seem to be having now. Leading By Example Prince Charles is joining the battle cry for a greener planet by getting his own house in order. He has published his carbon footprint for the first time after promising to cut his emissions by 12.5 per cent – at least. To achieve carbon neutral status Charlie has introduced green electricity at Highgrove, converted his cars to bio-diesel and taken less plane journeys. Bless him! Wherefore art thou...? Shakespeare himself belonged to a band of travelling players who rocked up at castles, country houses and gardens all over England's pleasant pastures green to perform. Four hundred years on Globe Theatre actors are resurrecting this experience with an on-the-road production of 'Romeo and Juliet' - all fairly authentic apart from the touring camper van in place of the more traditional horse and cart. A Smoke-Scene It seems like a lot of huff and puff over nothing but the Theatre Royal Haymarket will have to cut smoking in a scene in 'The Last Confession' after the July 1st ban comes into effect. Bernard Lloyd's character lights up a cigarette on stage but, unless it’s central to the plot to have a puffing Cardinal Villot, the theatre will be 'acting' against the law. December 2008 23rd December January is on the Horizon 20th December Merry Christmas November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman