Wednesday 7th January  10:34 am Good Morning

on today on tomorrow other dates...

Nelson's Column June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 23rd June 2006 Simon Cowell and the two biggest jobs in London Reality television is a wonderful thing, a true miracle of 21st century civilisation. Real human beings now live entirely in harmony with one another, all their bad and aggressive feelings happily steered away from their colleagues, acquaintances and former lovers and directed towards that plastic-boobed psycho Nikki from Big Brother. But in the wrong hands, even the modern world’s finest creations can be used for evil. And right now, the benign power of reality TV is about to wreak untold damage in the hands of two hugely sinister figures: Andrew Lloyd Webber and David Cameron. In spite of the fact that Webber last wrote a decent song when we had a socialist government (ask your parents), he has retained his iron grip on London’s theatreland through investing smartly in some excellent shows by other people. His latest wheeze is a stage production of ‘The sound of Music'. ‘Good idea!’ I hear you cry. ‘It’s the best musical ever. It’ll be amazing on the stage’. Except... the role of Maria is to be cast by open audition and public vote. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! People who wobble every note and make mad breathy noises! I mean, I love Jade Goody as much as anyone, but if they let the public start text-messaging in their votes, she’d be a shoe-in, and I for one do not fancy having my memories of ‘The Hills are Alive…’ ruined by a gravel-voiced simpleton from Bermondsey, however entertaining she may be after three bottles of white wine. And then there’s David Cameron, who went to Eton, and has probably never watched a reality TV show, or had a conversation with an ordinary Londoner other than “The Ritz, please, my good man. And there’s a shiny sovereign in it for you if I’m there in less than half an hour.” He’s decided that the Tory candidate for London mayor will be decided by public vote, in an ‘X-Facor-style audition’. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! Giant slabs of testosterone and aggression with their brains in their biceps! I’m genuinely in favour of London having a Moslem mayor. I think it would do wonders for race relations. But I’m not sure that it should be Chico ‘What time is it?’ Slimani. He’d definitely win the public vote, and he’s a much better dancer than Ken, but I wouldn’t want him in charge of anything larger than a chorus line. The only plus side to both of these horrors, is that they will make wonderful, wonderful television. I can’t wait to see Sharon Osbourne giving Anne Widdicombe a sisterly hug when she went out of the Tory candidate race. Or failed in her attempt to become the new Maria. Either way, I’m going to be glued to the box throughout, totally gripped and shuddering with fear. Pool Gets Posh Brockwell Park Lido in south London is set to get a £2.5 million re-vamp. The refurbishment of the Grade II listed building and its outdoor pool - affectionately known as “Brixton Beach” - will include a spa, sauna, fitness suite and hydrotherapy pool. No more hotels in Park Lane The London version of the classic board game Monopoly has been updated by games maker Parker with new locations and a more up-to-date, “scientific approach” to property prices. Venues now include Wapping, Primrose Hill and Brixton Hill, while Old Kent Road and Park Lane have been removed from the board. Selling at a bank-breaking £4m Kensington Palace Gardens has replaced Mayfair as the most expensive spot to buy. Grim Designs London’s Centrepoint tower is one of a number of buildings in the capital nominated as part of nationwide search for country’s worst designed buildings. The Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment launched the survey in a bit to draw attention to the costs of bad design. December 2008 23rd December January is on the Horizon 20th December Merry Christmas November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman